Discipleship (revised)
Slightly modified, with thanks for good suggestions received here and elsewhere, to declutterize L4, clear up a grammatical glitch in L9-10.5, and bring the couplet up to snuff by AC standards. -...
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Hi mary,Nice sonnet you have here. I like this kind of humorous verse very much. Formal poetry is the right place for it - and here you use this fact to full effect.I take it 'goest' is intentional...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
Thanks, Dutch. Naww, it would be against my religion to set a live trap, since God loves all critters great and small. You're right, though, in thinking the archaism was chosen with care. As if to...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
Thanx, MaryYeah, it works great this way, your line 14.As to archaic language: I'm very fond of the King James Bible, like Walt Whitman. The rhythm of its language is unsurpassable. It's a true...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
Mary--At the risk of being "trapped," wouldn't it be "whither thou mayest go"? Or maybe you could go for broke and throw in an inversion--"whither go thou mayest"? Or toss the "may" and tinker with...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
Eric, I have nothing but sincere appreciation for your feedback and respect for your opinions. I'll put my tinker-tool to work on loosening L4, and I'm wildly enthused over your suggested refinement...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
I lovingly accept you as my leaderas, to the heights, you carry me aglowstraightforward into battle. Then, vile cheater,you leave me wond'ring, "Which way did we go?"Dear Mary,I agree with the others....
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
thou goest,thou dost go,thou should'st go,thou mayest goSo mayhap: Forever Ill follow wherever thou goest.OK, so I went amphibrachic on you . . . but you get the idea.Brendan(Anachronistically Correct...
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AmusementAmusing mazelike muse amazing MaryThrilling chilling skill is sometimes scaryLightly lilting lines allitter LarryWarble, chortle, giggle, let's be merryScribble fancy tales it's all...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
(Sorry I mis-spelled 'rhythm' in my second reply. Saw to it.) (Still a great poem BTW.)
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
Hello Mary.I enjoyed this enormously, with its false erotic steer, along with your characteristic imaginative rhyme and the overall wit and charm.May I suggest the following small punctuation change...
View ArticleRe: Discipleship (revised)
Ooh, David, that is a wickedly appealing temptation. If I were going to make the change I think I'd enclose the final question in parentheses, as a last ditch whimper. But, alas, ours not to reason...
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